Unfortunately, I have not yet mastered the art of avoiding these conversations. Do I stare at the floor while the person walks by hoping with all that is in me that they don't stop to talk? Do I start babbling incoherently and will them to leave me alone? How bad would it be if I just ran and hid behind the fake ficus in the corner? Surely they'd never find me there! Nevermind that I usually don't know who will ask me from week to week as it changes every time. The avoidance logistics fail me despite my best efforts.
Recently, I feel that the frequency of this question delivery has increased tenfold. I have no clue as to the whys, but I had just about decided that someone had put my name and need of a man on the church-wide prayer chain because people I've never even met have been asking me "The question." (In their defense, I sing in the praise team, so many people feel that they know me and just assume I know them. I don't know you lady-who-has-been-happily-married-for-all-of-six-seconds-and-wants-me-to-experience-the-joys-of-marriage-and-family-too.)
Truly though, today's spokesperson (I swear they must be on a rotation or something) took me by surprise.
A Fellow Church Goer (hereby referred to as FCG) who is married to a wonderful woman walks up to me and says, seemingly out of the blue: "Do you have a boyfriend?"
D: "No."
FCG: "Do you want one?"
Insert picture of D looking surprised.
D: "I don't know, maybe."
FCG: "Well, I'll see what we can do. We'll start working on that."
At this point, it has been confirmed that the church has completely bypassed the prayer chain and created an entire committee to see that the task of getting me married is properly addressed and tackled. An entire committee. Committee...to get me married. Committee. This is serious. Southern Baptist Churches don't mess around once a committee has been formed. My mind wanders and I begin to wonder if they have brought the deacons in on the matter. Thats when you know its gone from a serious matter to one that the church will only survive if we all join together as one Body and work towards the same goal. Suddenly I realize that I've all but forgotten FCG in my ponderings and answer with a, "OOOkayyy."
FCG: "What are you looking for?"
D: "He has to be Christian. And I would prefer that he is called to ministry."
FCG: "Ah. Okay. We'll get to working on that."
Yep, the committee will hear the results of our conversation at the weekly meeting.
Later, FCG comes up to me again and starts talking about other requirements that I might have. There aren't many and I tell him so.
FCG: "Alright, well, I think I can help you get a guy pretty easily."
D: "Really, how's that?"
FCG: "Well, you have to be willing to show your 'assets.' Ya know, just to get the guy. Once you've got him, you don't have to anymore."
D recalling the modesty portion of the day's sermon: "Did you hear the sermon today?"
FCG: "Well, I mean, its just to get the guy. It'll really help!"
D: "I don't think we're looking for the same kind of guy for me."
FCG: "Oh. Well, we'll still be working on finding you a guy. Its fine, its fine. I'm sure we can find you someone who is willing even if you won't show your 'assets.'"
D: "Awesome...thanks?..."
Now, I'm wondering if I will be excommunicated from the church should the committee of deacons and church goers not be successful in their latest endeavor. Perhaps if they aren't successful with me they will just move on to my roommate Ashley (one of the only other single girls in the church). Best of luck to you, Ashley. I'll try to head up the committee that's assembled for you. I think I'll be able to represent your wishes best. However, the plan might back fire since I can't even be trusted to find my own guy, clearly. Either way, begin to develop your avoidance techniques. You'll need them.
To the rest of the single ladies and men in Southern Baptist Churches: I fear the Singleness Eradication Committees will be the newest fad sweeping across Southern Baptist Churches. Keep your chins up, singles! Maybe we can form a support group that you can join once you've been excommunicated. We'll all band together!
Have you ever been asked "The Question?" What is your best avoidance technique for getting out of answering "The Question?"
I think the head of the Committee on Committees* has put out the word to give up on me. I seem too unwilling to pretend to be someone I'm not for the sake of attracting a man. I seem to have read 1 Corinthians 7 one too many times and (gasp!) actually believe that it is just as much part of God's Word as Ephesians 5:22-33 (despite the obvious lack of preaching on singleness in comparison to the plethora of preaching on marriage...). Though I would be thrilled to become a wife and mother, I clearly am not willing to agree with the church subculture's all-too-frequent assessment that my life must be less meaningful, valuable, or godly and that my lack of a husband signals something in me that needs to be "fixed." Sometimes that assessment is directly spoken and sometimes it is merely implied, yet I resist it at every turn.
As you also exhibit these troubling tendencies, your time on the Eradication Committee's radar probably has an expiration date. If you marry, the Committee will, of course, take some credit and then move on to the next single woman, but if you do not marry, you eventually will age out of the system. Unless, that is, one of the Committee's future targets mentions you in a blog and tags you in a facebook post about the existence and tactics of the Committee, in which case you might end up back on the radar. So, thanks for that. ;-)
* To those of you not in the SBC, I did not make up the Committee on Committees. It's a real thing. The SBC actually has a committee to appoint other committees. D wasn't joking when she said that Southern Baptists take their committees seriously.
As someone who is also on stage, and who is also single, there is a very real chance that whoever is preaching on the day will decide to pick on the single members of the worship team, calling out to them (on mic) while they leave the stage "so _____ are you still single?" etc etc etc. I was under the spotlight for a little while - and at the same time friends were actively trying to set me up with another member of the worship team. So, following the public questioning, I'd return to my seat, pick up my phone to see it full of facebook & twitter notifications about how myself and this other person would be such a "perfect" pairing...
Oh dear.
:)