I log into the site to check out all my matches for the day. The first name on the list is Mr. John Doe XVII, the "gentleman" who sent me the message. Before even opening his profile, I will admit that I am already drawing conclusions.
- His name seems a little pretentious. I mean, who puts "Mr." in front of their name? And who has been named after 17 other people? (I am exaggerating here for purely dramatic reasons.)
- He doesn't have any pictures. Hmmm...I know he's a paying member since he sent me a message. This should mean that he can post a picture. I'm beginning to wonder why he doesn't have a pic up. What is he hiding???
But, I continue on to his profile and open it up. After all, he took the time to send me a message! I can read his profile and just see if we could further communication. As I'm waiting for the page to load I'm starting to wonder about this guy and his lack of a picture. By the time that the page is up I have determined that he's a really ugly, super hairy guy who looks half werewolf. Lucky for him looks don't matter too, too much to me and most importantly I've studied his kind. I mean, come on! I read Twilight!
The page is loaded and I begin to read. Despite the hairy mental image I have of this guy, I am hopeful. If he is a werewolf, maybe he's rich, only rich people have names like Mr. John Doe XVII! The first thing that the profile says is, "What are you most passionate about?" Some people put music or art or Jesus or a list of things. These are normal answers and exactly what I was expecting from Mr. John Doe XVII. His answer read something like this:
"I am passionate about having fun, reading, walking on the beach, and I have a strong passion for passionate lovemaking. Oh, and I have a passion for reading the KJV."
Mhhmm. You read that right. Mr. John Doe XVII has a strong passion for passionate lovemaking. Oh! And don't forget that he is also passionate about reading the KJV! Those two usually go together, right?
No, no, no, no, no, no!!! This is so creepy. This faceless, hairy werewolf is nothing like what I expected. I am really creeped out and cannot continue to read his profile. His passion for passionate lovemaking has terrified me and made me never want to hear those words again. As well, he has ruined the KJV of the Bible for me. I will never, ever, never look at that version the same. I doubt I will be able to read from it without thinking of Mr. John Doe XVII and his passions. Gross. He's done. I close the match and move on to what I hope are better matches.
So, imagine my surprise when I open another profile that seems to be normal. As I'm browsing through his profile some things pop out and stick with me.
- He says that he really likes exploring caves. I find this a little odd. I mean, caves are cool, but I will not go cave exploring with a guy I don't know and from the way he's describing his passion for the exploration of caves? I'm thinking that it's his grand plan for the first date. He's seriously passionate about cold, dark, dank places. Alrighty!
- He says that the first thing people notice about him is that he's intimidating. He says he doesn't mean to come across that way, it just seems to happen. Okay, so clearly his exuberance for cave exploring doesn't go over so well with other people either.
Still, I read what I think could be enough redeeming qualities to, at least, keep the match open.
As I'm browsing through his pictures I am noticing a recurring theme. Crazy eyes. Yeah, this guy's pictures are all of him with his eyes open extremely wide. I'm pretty sure I've seen more of this guy's eyes than I've seen of anyone else's eyes. I have also pinpointed another reason that people are intimidated by him. Crazy eyes. They are intimidating. No, really they just freak me out. Maybe he doesn't know the difference between someone who is intimidated and someone who's a little freaked out by crazy eyes.
The next picture is normal, but with the crazy eyes. Oh, and he's HOLDING A CHAINSAW!!
Huh. Yeah, so the crazy eyes coupled with the cave exploration and the chainsaw leads me to believe that he is the Craigslist Cannibal. I'm positive of it. I have just been matched with the guy whose lunch called the police when he tried to eat him. I'm intimidated.
Is that a picture of him with a pile of dead bodies? WHAAAAAAAAT?????????
I can't even...oh, nah!
Its actually him and a pile of CPR dummies, but the damage is done. I'm positive that he is a cannibal. No wonder he likes cave exploring! Its where he leads his victims before he uses his chainsaw to cut them into bite size pieces while the whole time keeping his eyes extra wide open. The better to see you with, I suppose. Its never gonna work. I don't like to snack on friends or enemies or any other human. No thanks. I close the match and call my friend Anna to fill her in on my great evening turned horrific.
Over the next week, I continually regale my friends with these amazing stories from my first few weeks as a member of an online dating site. Do I think I'll continue with my membership? Probably not. My hope of finding "true love" online has been greatly dashed by these matches and some that I'll just have to tell you about later. Apparently a lot of the nutjobs like to use the dating sites online. Think I'll just stick to finding someone the old fashion way. Good luck to all you who are using a dating site! Beware of werewolves with passions for passionate lovemaking. And don't go into any caves with chainsaw wielding guys no matter how much his crazy eyes mesmerize you!
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